Buy-Side Tech: 'Alternative Facts' Edition

Listen, it's been said before that the buy side cannot compete with the sell side when it comes to technology. ... FALSE!

I know these things. I know that the buy side will always be the best and have all the best technology to get the best possible results. Some people─not me, of course─have said that asset managers need to step up their game and get the best technologies into the back- and middle-offices. Well, let me tell you, believe me, they have always had the best systems in place, forever!

Those liars in their elitist towers who wrongly say that the buy side cannot manage with the costs of running an effective technology stack are wrong! Every asset manager—I know them all very well—has so much money they don't know what to do with it all. They are winning all the time. The tech guys there are working for Google in their spare time because they've got so much of it.

The buy side always has the newest technology, too; it's really beautiful to see. Every portfolio manager and trader wears a virtual reality headset so they are 250 percent better at their jobs. They have technology you haven't even heard of! I have, because I know all about it. They've got all the best risk tools, but they don't even need them because there's no risk anyway. Outsourcing?! That's a lie, there's no such thing.

I've seen the blockchain, so trust me. It's big, beautiful and it's going to mean every asset manager will always win. Win every time. They are using it already, just being secret about it, because they all know how important and innovative it is. We cannot let just anyone have a blockchain; that's not why it was invented. It's definitely only for asset managers, take my word for it.

Regulations?! Who needs ‘em?! Asset managers have always been compliant with every rule. Every time, believe me! They don't have to spend any money, ever, because their technology is so perfect. Every buy-side firm on the planet has been ready for Mifid II for years. They were even ready before Mifid I come out, so don't worry about that.

If anyone ever tells you that the buy side isn't the best with technology you should laugh at them. They're wrong. Just look at the facts.